


Superheroes!!!

by A_Simple_Peach



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Do Not Take Seriously, Other, its b.a.d
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-08-13 02:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7958812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Simple_Peach/pseuds/A_Simple_Peach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas is a superhero!! He fights crime! His power is control the weather but its ridiculously limited</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dr. Thunder

“Man these clouds are cramping my style.” I said, wishing I had some rip-snortin superpowers like the batman and the superman in my fav comics. “I wish I had some rip-snortin superpowers like the batman and the superman in my fav comics.”

It was DC comics ofc because Marvel has no depth. You think the Avengers are better than the Justice League? Tough toenails, y’all. Just you wait until the Justice League movie comes out.

“Thomas your style is a cramp.” said my stupid coworker, Alexander Pain-In-The-Rear Hamilton.

I was gonna omit him from the story but then it would look like i was arguing with myself and I’m not crazy so. We can’t have everything in life.

“I’ll give you a cramp you nasty wheezer!” I know, I’m basically the Comeback King.

“Thomas please control yurself for once in your miserbale life.” said my other coworker who will probs agree with Admiral Argument even if he said ‘lets all go die in a ditch!’ smh.

“Your only mad because I can make velvet wORK” I said in all my glory.

I then posed so dramatically I could hear the angels singing Hallelujah and blasting trumpets. The light even bounced off my impeccable figure impeccably to show off my fling-dingin muscles. Always wear one size too small, gentlemen.

“Thomasin, why.?”

“Go jump out a 10-story window.” Ever the linguist, John Penicillin Laurens at his best.

“I will just you watch!” I said cause there was no way I was gonna be one-uped by a guy wearing boring clothing.

I flung open the mf window and Leaped Into The Sky. They were all “thomas nO” but if they really wanted me to not then they would’nt’ve told me to do it. I was tierd of this job anyway. Peace out losers.

So i was freefalling and you really think about the universe when your freefalling. Mostly stuff like “oh dang-flabbit im freefalling” and “yknow ive made a lot of poor decisions in life.” 

Then it hit me. Not the ground, loser i know whtat i’m doing. The clouds hit me. Y’know, the ones that were cramping my style? Yeah. Those ones. I was just thinking “oh man im so sorry y’all clouds youre the rip-snortinest and i wish i could feel you’re soft touch” and then they just,,, moved in my path???

I’m not complaining though. “Well I’m not complaining. Y’all clouds are neato. Respek!” and I did the Illuminati sign at them causwe i figured that’s who sent them. Open your peepers, my dudes. Its on the money.

“Now lets go kick Alexs’ sorry lil butt!!” Then with the fury of a thousand soft fluffy clouds I attacked.

I fly through the window and see those two little dinguses laughing and signing a sympathy card! You know those ones specifically for unexpected deaths? Yeha, well, clearly it wasn’t unexpected if they already had a card. Smh. They saw me coming and scREAMED. So worth nearly dying.

“NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, NERDS!!” and i just crashed right through the-

Actually, I couldnt break the window. I mean I was riding a cloud. I slammed into it alright but that glass is not breakable! Like when you go to a store and you wanna smash the bell on the counter so the employees kknow you mean business but it doesnt break? No? Just me? Y’all conformists are missing out.

Then I thought real hard about lightning striking alEx’s smug grin. And,, it worked??? 

I realizedr that this was my superhero origin story. I used my mind to control those clouds. I used my mind to make lightning which finally shattered the glass. I used the thunder to make Alex pee himself just as his crush Eliza was walking in.

“Um, Alex, if you had to go you could’ve gone to the bathroom.” she said as she left the room.

He turned redder than a tomato at that and suddenly my life had meaning.

I need a superhero name now. “I need a superhero name now. One that compliments my surpeme majesty.”

And what better to do the job than off-brand Dr. Pepper? Ok, no one likes Dr. Pepper. Say you do all you want but it’s not true. It succs. It’s like drinking coca-cola out of a coconut. Nasty and just plain wrong. If you’re at a party and you choose the Dr. Pepper no one talks to you. Youll sit alone on the center-cushion of the couch for the rest of forever. But off-brand Dr. Pepper?? Always right. You can’t go wrong with it. Even the name is awesome. That’s why I’m stealing the name for myself! From this day forth-

“I AM DR. THUNDER!!!!”

“Well, Dr. Thunder, you need to get off the table and do some work for once.” that was my boss, Mr. Washington. Do nto get on his bad side. Or his bedside [unless your Martha] learned that the hard way.

“Sorry, sir! It’s a secret and I’m not even a superhero so just don’t listen to that.”

“Whatever gets you to do your job.”

As if typing on a computer in a office is even important. Not to heros like mE

\---

Heroes fight crime. It;s a given. Heroes and crime-fighting go together like mac n cheese. Like PB and J. Like oil and soap companies. Dont pretend like Dawn didnt cause oil to pollute the ocean on purpose to make more money smh you blind people. You naysayers. Don’t even talk to me.

Anyway, i needed to pick the perfect spot for my first stake-out. Not difficult. The best place for a hero to be is in McDonald’s! I’m sitting in a shady corner, staring at all those citizens in here. I just know that one of them is a villain in disguise. 

I just wish i had a whipple-licious costume to wear. Spiderman made his own but he;s a teen who makes his money by pretending to be interestefd in taking photos of himself. Im better than that.

A CRIME!!

“STOP, IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!!!” i shouted before smoothly vaulting the table and slapping the sauce packet out of the perpetrators hands. “JUST BECAUSE YOURE AS OLD AS THE HILLS THEMSELVES DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN HAVE A SECOND SAUCE PACKET!”

“Oh, my,,,” she cried, fanning herself. like she thinks shes inocent. ur not fooling anyone you perp.

“WHAT WERE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT??? YOU GOT A SMALL. WHY DO YOU NEED SO MUCH KETCHUP. YOUR DYING ALREADY YOU DONT NEED TO STEAL FOOD FROM THE YOUNGER GENERATION.”

Then the police approached me and i was like aw yiss my first arrest. “Worry not baby blues for i have caught the crimin- woah wait dude what’re y’all doin”

They?? Put handcuffs??? On me?????? 

“I am litereally the good guy here??? What????? Are you doing???????” 

“We’re putting you under hold for harassing the elderly and disturbing the public. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

“Lana del Rey”

\---

“-and then they tased me!! And i woke up here.” I was spinning a fantabulous yarn to my fellow inmate, a large guy named Hercules.

“That’s rough, man.”

“How’d you end up here?”

“What I did was,,, illegal.”

“Nice.” I pondered what that meant before deciding to give my super brain a rest. “So how are we gonna break out of the slammer?”

“This isn’t jail, just holding. We have to wait until someone helps us out or until the policemen say we can go.”

The place was cold and dank [like my heart lmaooooo) and I was there for an agonizing fifteen minuites. This is not the sort of treatment a superheroe should get!!! Unless Im basically batman. But, like, not all dark and gloomy. Maybe the Glitter Knight.

“Not how I expected to be treated. As a superhero!!!”

“You don’t look like a superhero.”

“I don’t have a costume yet. Im Dr. Thunder!!! But its a secret so dont tell anyone.”

“I dont have to, youre loud enough.”

Minutes passed. Hours - no, years!! - passed. The security guard said it was only twenty minutes but he was def just lying to keep me down. I WILL NOT YEILD.

Then my boss-man shows up and hes like ‘so happy to see you man dude bro amigo.’

“Thomas Jefferson. The bail money I paid is going to come out of your paycheck. Now come on, we have a lot to talk about, young man.” were his actual words, but i knew what he meant.

That Hercules guy was like “Yo,, if you get him to get me out, then i’ll make your costume for you.” and i was like hmmm idk man and he said “i got sequins” and i couldnt say no to that. 

If you dont like sequins youre missing out on a fundamental part of life and i just cant respect that viewpoint. Succs to be you, drab veganloaf.

“Mr Washington if you get my buddy out of here then i will give you HamMan’s paycheck too”

“No.”

“Ok ok but what if i give you Alex’s paycheck?”

“You just offered that already???”

“You’re imagination is truly enviable old geezer”

“Listen here, kiddo, if you don’t shut up you’re gonna go from Dr. Thunder to Dr. Unemployed and Homeless faster than I can chop down my father’s cherry tree do i make myself clear?”

“I’ll chop it down for you if you help him out of his opression”

Ofc he decided to help Hercules out and all it took was a month of my salary!

Now to go Take Down Villains!

TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,


	2. Costume!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where is Herc with that cosutme???

You never realize how hard it is to catch someone committing a crime until you actually want to catch someone committing a crime. So, to entertain myself, I decided to practice using my superpower.

“What the hecky.” said Alex as he noticed his cubicle was packed with fog.

No idea where that came from. No siree. I’m just a regualr human being ha don’t look at me.

“Um,, move????” Stupid Laurens trying to reason with the raincloud.

“Yo, Laurnns!” he looks at me as i shout at ehim. “That cloud stronger?? Then U??”

“WATCH ME” he starts frantically slapping at the cloud but ofc it doesnt’ even care. I decided to make it electrocute him. Just once. Im not mean after alll.

Bossman Georgie Boy walks in and sees this wondrous feat of idiocy and just,, turns around and leaves. He had no words. No wisdom to pass on. Just a little bit of apathy to get him through the day.

Baby Blues (aka Eliza von Schuyler) walks up and she probly got a seventh sense or smth cause she sees the clouds,, looks rIGHT at me and my velvety glamor,,, and she does the “im watchin u” thing with her hands you know the one. With the peace sign up to the eyes n u slowly turn it round to face your partner but suddenly it doesnt even mean peace anymore its like if you took a peace treaty and shoved it up your-

Well, well, well. What do we have here? A beautiful couple <3 outisde :) on the street below <33 but whats this?? ? ? she broke up with him ?? ? ? how,, tRAGIC. this situation needs a raINCLOUD.

“Even mother nature hates me!!” he sH O U tS

Aight so confession time. I have literally been waiting my entire life to do that. 

RING RING MOTHERF-

With wide eyes and fear bubbling inside me, i vaulted the table and clciked my phone. A darted glance at baby blues making a throat slitting motion tells me i should really change my ringtone. well screw her i am a superhero. I’ll have the worst ringotne i wnat.

Speaking of, if you have a boring ringtone then you’re boring. Ok cause sure everyone hates you if your ringtone is part of a song especially if they like hate that song bc itll be playing all the time but would you rather be hated or boring? Yeah thats what i thought. Ring ring motherf-

“Yo herc my maaaaaan didja finish my supersuit yet?”

“What are you a superhero?” alex sticks his nosy little butt in as usual.

“Shut up im dr thunder and thats a secret gO SH”

“Whos this” herc says suspiciously. nice he must be a hero too. 

“Yo i love the caution brodiggity anyhow its dr thunder and i need my dingly-dang supersuit”

“Right,, about that,, i kinda had some,,, unfinished business to attend to,,,,,,” muffled screaming drifts over the line “YALL HUSH UP- anyway yeah im gonna need a few more hours to get it ready you dig?”

“Oh, i dig, diggles my maaAAAAn. See ya”

CLICK.

Ugh it feels like no one even appreciates what i bring to the table. Which is usually mac n cheese and flat champagne. That fizzy stuff is just a fad and you can technically survive off of only mac n cheese. I know. I do it. Especially the way i make it, but thats a storhy for another day.

“Well since the WashBasin aint here imma skip out” i said making sure to flex my biceps threatenignyl.

“Um,, :) sweaty you’re still on the clock :) u cant leave :)))” Alex spoke up like a lil pork loin.

“Alex you are a large bruise on the side of life’s otherwise-beautiful face”

“You called me large?? Lol” 

He laughed, but clearly he didnt realize that that tleft him defenseless. 

“YOUR DADDY-BOSS AINT HERE TO SAVE YOU NOW” I shouted, flinging a Large Bucket at his head.

That little cretin took it right in the face. I placed my foot on his face after he fell to the floor. 

“Victory tastes like u only sweeter you plastic wastebasket” a pause. “No homo tho”

aNd just like that i nyoomed out of there. The last thing i heard before making like a brexit was Baby Blues’ sweet voice:

“Did that [EXPLETIVE] just call our [EXPLETIVE] boss [EXPLETIVE] WashBasin? ?? !?! !? ?1 !?”

What a pure-hearted woman <3

\---

CRASH!!

“WHAT THE DIDDLY??!?!?” i shout’d.

The entire wall of my bedroom has been removed??? Hercules is standing there?????? maybe he saw what happened

“Yo i got yo costume MADE” he announc’d before slamming a suitcase down on the bed next to me. “I even used 30955,2i40 sequi- woah are you eating mac n cheese”

*hiding mnc sounds*

“No…” i clicked open the case. “Umm herco did u sew it out of… plants??”

There were rows upon rows of individually packed leaves?? All of them were sealed in plastic baggies??? 

“OH CRIPPLED MARY JANE- NO THATS NOT IT” he s hOU tS and slams it shut.

“Um,, :) that’s offensive, sweaty :)”

“Here’s your costume.” he pulled a cardboard box out of his pocket.

How did he mistake a suitcase for a cardboard box. How did he fit a cardboard box in his pocket. Why did he choose that nasty box? Like you know on christmas when your aunt buys you aNOTHER ugly sweater and it comes in that rectangular gift box and the box is basically just two lids taped together and you die a little inside because come on you get me the same dango thing every year check yoself before u rek’t urself gO S H.

Pulling out the costume, I realize that its perfect. Its got black sequins in the shape of a T (for thunder duh) and the whole thing is a burgundy color (yes there is a difference between red and burgundy shuttheheckityup) except for the shoulder cuffs and leggins from the knee down which are rainbow (for my gay also duh). There’s even a pair of macaroni-patterned breifs to go over it. He has truly outdone himself.

“Yo… this is wicKED BRUH but in a superhero-y way.”

“Mhm yep thats great now i gotta make a delivery to my friends across the border.” he replied, picking up his suitcase.

“Tell’em i said hey”

“I won’t”

\---

Huh? Hey he dropped one!! 

>I pick up the extra leaf thing 

>Do you keep it?

>>yes

[LEAF THING added to INVENTORY]

>yessssssssss

“Guess I need to do something about this leaf” 

>I look it up on my computer

>Purchase selected item: [BONG]?

>>indeedy i do

TO BE CONTINUES,,,


	3. Villains?????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a villain to entrer the scene...... [super bass playing ominously in the distance]

What does every hero need? Three things, actually. For me, it’s four things but I’ll get to that later. Number 1:

“Do you wanna be my Cola?” 

The woman whose ear I was whispering into slapped me and ran off. Savage. Her loss, though. She could’ve been my very first sidekick.

Number 2:

“Eliza I’m gay.”

“Thank goodness.”

Cold-blooded. While she can’t be my love interest, maybe she can be-

Number 3:

“-my nemesis?”

“Isn’t that Alex’s job?”

Sweet Mary Jane the savage killer is right! 

“ALEX, YOU SUCK!”

“HECK YEAH”

Dagnabbed thirsty little cretinous used napkin tossed in the ocean fried twice and served with a plate of ugly…

“You’re still cut off, bab.” John pointed out, then blushed. “No homo.”

“Yeah, no homo… until-”

Let’s leave that conversation, shall we? They think no one knows they’re together but it’s really obvious. Good thing they don’t have super powers or everyone would know. Not like me, Dr Thunder, whose PhD is in keeping secrets! 

[FLASHBACK SEQUENCE] 

“Thomas can you-”

“THATS DR THUNDER TO YOU”

\--

“Thomas stop making fog appear out of nowhere.”

“I CANT HELP HAVING SUPER POWERS”

\--

*electrocuting Alex sounds*

\-- 

“You dare defy DR THUNDER?!?!” c(onjuring thundercloads.)

“Sir, I just need you to sign this paper so I can leave.”

“JUST GIVE ME MY PACKAGE, PEASANT” ( velvet towel flapping in breeze)

[END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE]

See? None of them suspect a thing. What’s number four, you ask? Well-

Number 4:  
“Thomas have you been smon,king weed?” Herc asked me. 

“Yhea.. u lfet som at mah hosue..”

“WHAT?!”

“Dued… why ‘s it caldl the sky if its’ not evne rEAL”

He then made me watch several videos about why stealing is wrong and that if I’m gonna take his drugs I should at least pay for them first. What a guy! Respek

\---

So there I was, watching the news. Minding my own business. When suddenly the TV announcer guy was all-

“You can buy these shoes for just $3.99!” with taht famous reporter girn.

Y’know the one. That grin that looks like it was beyond forced and only made possible not bu the sponsers !! but by the knowledge that ethey’r about to take alll ur money. Those teeth so white they could nearly eradicate an entire race and then steal their land. So straight they could be afraid of saying “gay” and just subsitute “marshmallow matey” for it. That evil conniving grin. It was a crime!!!

Just then, Herc sauntered in the room. I dunno how long he’s been in myu house but he’s familia so it s’ok.

“Look at this crime!” I shouted, flailing at the tv.

“You watching the home shopping network?”

“No its the news.”

“Then why’s it say ‘home shopping network’ in the corner there?”

“If it was the hsn than why is he committing a crime hmmMMMMM?”

“Yeah those shoes are a crime but you ain’t esaclty fashionable either so”

“Why are u here herc”

“Chekc these out!”

He pulled out an entire huge metal stick thing from his pocket. Waing it in my face, he seems so proud of himself. He opens his mouth to tlel me what it is.

“This is a-” 

“-sound investment?”

“...no. it’s a police baton. I… picked it up somewhere and, uh, i fugured you could use it when u fight crime.”

“DUDE I CAN HAVE IT?”

“Yeah here take it quick”

He hurridly shoved it into myu hands and then dove through the window. That man is always so busy. But generous and friendly! 10/10 would friend again. 

I mustve accidentlayyu bumped the button on the remote cause the channel changedc. Now it was on FOX news. Thats where i get all my news from. Its so reliable???? I m just so happy there are people out there who go to such lengths to give us the unaltered and complete truth about things. Novus Ordo Seclorum, my dudes.

“Recently a large black man single-handedly took out an entire squadron of police. Most were badly injured. Reportrs are saying that he made off with one of the batons. Police are still seraching for him.”

I glanced down at the baton in my hadns. There was some red stuff on it. Clearly this baton wasn’t the one they meatn, since an police would never use one to spread jelly on his snadwhic. I hope Herc does nt get framed for this.

“Back to you, Charles.”

“Thank you, Angelica. There is also some suspicious activity in the downtown district, police are saying that the suspet set up a barrier and then lit it on fire so the police couldn’t follow him into the building. He is apparently still in there, now. Robbing. Stealing. Also taking things that dont belong to him.”

I nearly spat out my ceral. Except i wasn’t eating cereal. Thats how shocked i am. Finally! A crime!! I ran right out the house (since i was already in my supersuit) and headed staright for the scene of the crime. All i gotta do is run straight through that flaming on fire barrier and tackle the theifer. Easy as pie. Macaroni pie.

“Easy as pie. Macaroni pie.” I panted.

\---

Within three hours, I made it to the scene. I mean I think this is it? There’s a building surrounded by polices and it’s on fire? ANd burning? So maybe??

“‘Scuse me, Dr Thunder coming through!!!” I shout as I rudely (but completely necessarily) push my way through thte crowd.

“Woah woah woah, where do you think you’re going?” a police stopped me.

“You used the wrong ‘your’”

“???”

While he’s distracted, I summon a mIGHTY WIND and blow him away. 

“AAAAAAH” he screamed.

Now, to put out the fire. “Now, to put out the fire.”

Huge stormclouds at my beck and call!!! Except taht idrk how to control this stuff yet. Ive just been winging it. HA GHJFSD GET IT JG WING INGS IThe storm immediately gets out of hand, and everyone (but me bc i am the storm’s estranged father) ran for safety. I rush in through the barrier now that the falmes on fire are gone.

“AY YO THEIFRE WHERE YOU AT” I sH OTU

There he si. His supersuit is all black and there’s a ridiculous amount of buckles and spikes all over it. Like he was trying to be punk but wanted to make sure he could never take the suit off.

“Well, well, well. A superhero!” he clapped. “I, am Penicillin.”

I stepped into the light. “John?!?!”

He pulled off his mask. “Thomas?!?!”

It was super awkward. Like when you go to the grocery store and your best friends ex starts talking to you and then they realize that you’re their ex’s best friend. Except I don’t like Alex and theyr’e still together. 

“I have fire powers so your nasty weather powers will basiclaly do no good.”

Honestly they’re meant for eafh otehr.

“*each *other.” Penicillin said.

“Do not!!!”

Then I launsched the tiny poof of smoke at him.

“Are you,, jurst warming up?” he luaghd even though IM not the one with FIER powers.

“*just”

“[EXPLETIVE]”

He launched a fire at me, but i dodged. I launched a launch at him,but HE dodge. Then the out-of-control storm I conjured up earlier tore the roof off the building and we clung to each other while screaming. In a manly way!!of course!!! 

“CANT YOU STOP IT, DR THUNDER?”

“ITS GOING THROUGH ITS REBELLIOUS PHASE WE HAVE TO WAIT IT OUT”

“*IT’S”

“IF YOU ATO CORRET ME ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA MURDER YOU”

“*I’M”

“TAHTS IT”

Turns out that storm still loved its daddy and it electrocuted John. 

“You do love me!!”

Apparently not cause it electrocuted me next. And I blacked out.

How will I stop the storm now?????

TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,,


	4. Well, darn.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas is hopeless honestly

So there we were, clinging to each other like we were both the poorly-written love interests in your stereotypicla sueprhero movie. The storm attacked, nkocking us both out cold.

 

When i woke up, i was in some weird dank cave. Not dank like memes you werido. The walls weren’t lined with the words “such cave!” “very drip! “Wow, water!” and there were certainly no frogs on unicycles. Trust me, I would know.

 

“Yo can i get some room service in here?” i shout at the top of my lungs.

 

Unfortunatley that shouiting was so epic that i ran out of all the lungs in my air and passed out again.

 

Worry not, for I, DR THUNDER, re-awokened! This time i was strapped to a table andf therre was a saw above me. This person has deplorable decorating sense.

 

I opened my mouth to shout again.

 

“ROOM SERV-”

 

I was cut off when someone placed there nasty hand over my mouth.

 

“Shut the [EXPLETIVE] up you [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [DOUBLE-EXPLETIVE] [wonderful joke] [EXPLETIVE]”

 

There is only one way to get out of this situation.

 

“WELL [EXPLETIVE] DID YOU JUST [EXPLETIVE] LICK MY [EXPLETIVE] HAND”

 

She Yanked her hand back.

 

“Here Are The Top Fourteen Reasons Why I Licked Your Hand, #3 Will Surprise You.”

 

She sl a PpE D me so hard I passed out again. Not before I could see her fabulous hair. I recognize you, newslady Angelica.

 

\---

 

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Dr. Thunder!” a voice clapped while it’s hands said.

 

Or was that ‘voice said while hands clapped’? Idk man im trippin from all this adreenaline.

 

“Um,,, untie me,,,” i said, knowing he would listen to my logic.

 

“No.”

 

i dont give in without a fight. “Thats fair.”

 

“I saw you conjure up that storm. I want to know how you did it.”

 

“Do you mind stepping into my field of vision so i can describe you to the cops leater?”

 

He did. What a nice man. He was rip-snortin handsome, too, if i do say so myself. Almost a foot shorter than me, but somewhat broad-shouldered. No, not like Hyde. You are nto even reafdin that storyu. He was wearing relatively plain clothing, but there was a mask on his face. Boooooorrrriiiiinnnnngggggg.

 

“Boooooorrrriiiiiinnnnngggggg.” i said.

 

“If you don’t tell me how you did it,” he gestured at the saw, “I’ll have to use lethal force.”

 

“Bruh idk what that means but murder is illegal.”

 

“Then you should cooperate.”

 

“Yo where my homegirl Angelica at?”

 

“She is not ‘your homegirl.’ She’s not even here.”

 

“Bruh,, u lyin,, ,”

 

“Yes, I am. No more stalling!”

 

He pulled a lever and the saw started whirring. Y’know when you watch that classic scene with the saw and the Protag on the gtable boutta get Slice and Diced like theyre cheese and not even the tasty kind? Well i’m never gonna watch those without remembering this. Bc this is terrifying. I may or may not have ruined this table.

 

“Oh, gosh, what is that smell???” The villain has detected that ive ruined his table.

 

I wonder where Penicillin went?

 

\---

 

“Yo Alex where yo man at”

 

“Drown yourself in off-brand soda”

 

“But Alex-”

 

“But nothing!”

 

“But you liek the butt dont’cha”

 

(eliza appearing) “um hammie why r u talkin to a custom-made thomas jefferson doll”

 

“SHut up. U dont know me. U dont know anything. If you knew what i  been through then u would knoe me bu t u dont. U’ll neaver even underst

 

\---

 

“Where is Penicillin anyway”

 

“John works for me. Soon, you will, too.”

 

“Wat ur name tho”

 

The mysterious and dazzling handsome man continued to ignore me. Why is the word even “handsome”??? Like,, “hand some” o’ dat booty to me??? hand[me]some o’ dos delicious features????? what number is he on the menu of life cause i think i wanna order a value meal??? Make /me/ a happy meal mmMMM

 

“I can read your mind, you know.”

 

Oh. Sweet. Mary. Jane.

 

“Yeah. So, maybe save your… interesting revelations… for another time, hm?”

 

“Are you asking me on a date”

 

“no”

 

“Aw sweet! I’d love to go on a date with you!”

 

“Im not-”

 

“But i cant bc im busy between the hours of now and forever”

 

I know that was cruel, but how can a guy know if he’ll be appreciated if he’s easy to get? I am not easy to get, in fact i’ve never been in a relationship in my 25 years [young] of living. Becauser im not easy. Nope i play hard to get. Gotta break them hearts

 

Oh my that saw is suddenly very close hm im uncomfortable maybe i’ll call him Tom SAWyer cause he saws and i saw yer bootiful-

 

“Im gonna stop you right there.” he said, super tired. Not of me, tho righ “Just tell me how you did the stormcloud thing.”

 

“I just thought ‘o dang imma need some cloudsistence up in here’ and it haPPENED”

 

“See, was that so hard?”

 

He didn’t?? Stop the saw????? Wtheckeroni with extra sauce?????????

 

“I’m glad we had this discussion. Goodbye, Dr Thunder.”

 

That was all she wrote. Or said. And he. You get it tho. Lookin at that saw i had only one thought:

 

ITS THUNDER TIME

 

TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,,,,,


	5. Escape!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to imightbeadragon, without whom I would never have remember the word "insulator"

I’m,, still tied to the table,,,

 

“I’m,, still tied to the table,,,” i said. “bUT ITS THUNDER TIME”

 

Luckily all these binds are made of rubber so i can esaily electrocute them off. I conjure me uip some nasty weather up in here quick as lightning. H A GET IT LIGHTNI Nand then use the storm to shroud the room in darkness. Cant have nosy lil turds peering in yknow. They cant fool me. I wacth FOX news.

 

“E L E C T R I C I T Y POWERS,,, ACTIVATE”

 

That lightning hit the rubber straps alright. But,, apparently,,,, rubber is one o’ them fancy-shmancy insulators (thank imightbeadragon for my knowledge of that word smh) so there was legit no effect. Dango tango mango. I mean i knew cause my teacher in like school grade told me but she also told me that milk is unhealthy so i dont trust a thing she says.

 

That’s when i heard it.

 

\---

 

Alex continued to scream at the top of his lungs. Until, ofc, eliza walked in.

 

“HamJam wthecky are u doin”

 

He stopped, nodded scientificallt, then wrote somehting down in a notebook.

 

“>???” eliza said

 

“It took you three hours to come when i called. Thats a new record.”

 

“Bye Jerkicia” she said as she left, slamming an invisible door.

 

Girl had to get her frustratiions out somewow.

 

“Tsk tsk. Now if only John would show up.”

 

Then he broke down and cried rtearS of sadnesS.

 

\---

 

“YO DR THUNDER” shOU T ED Hercules.

 

“DUDEBRO AMIGO MY FRIEND BUDDY BOY TUSSELBURGER F-”

 

“I’mma stop u right there.” Herc easily removed the restraints from my poor body. “Let’s go while the goin’s good”

 

“I’m lovin’ it.”

 

“Don’t talk McDonald’s to me.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“I mean it. Seriously.”

 

“Ok man sheesh.”

 

A clickity clank was heard on the roof overhead and i knew in my heart of hearts that santa claus is comin to town.

 

Yo any of you seen that claymation origin of santa movie cause that was so creepy like one song he sung was all “give me a kiss and ill give you a present” @little kids. why. No wonder the mayor guy tried to put him in jail golly gee goshness.

 

“We got company.” Herc said, all mysteriously.

 

“I KNow who santa is.”

 

“What????”

 

“Kris Kringle. You diggle?”

 

“If i say yes will you cooperate”

 

“Only if u mean it”

 

“Sigh” he sighed.

 

Suddenly that storm i conjured up while fighting Penicillin crashed through the wall. As luck would have it, a beautiful woman who is probably my love interest blows in.

 

“Im gay” I said herocially.

 

“Good for you.” she said before aimging her gun at my face.

 

“Holy-”

 

“No Margarita, wiat!” Herc shoutes. “He’s with me!”

 

She lowers her gun. “This isnt dr boom is it”

 

“Um,,, :) sweaty,, im dr thunder. Get it right :)”

 

“Great. Let’s go.”

 

This crowd is gettin too big for me. Too many variables, it’s giving me math flashbacks. That teacher told me that pythagorus was a theory and a person aND a group of people lmao what a joke. Conjuring up a mighty wind, I flE W away.

 

“Did he just ditch us.”

 

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyup.”

 

\---

 

Meanwhile, behind a thick curtain, our villain watches. He chuckles and types something into his high-tech computer.

 

“So that’s how it works.”

 

\---

 

“ELIZA”

 

“WHAT”

 

“Ooh nice only 3 seconds that time but im gonna have to dock points for being a rude-shmude.” tsks Alex.

 

“At least my mifddle name isnt litterally Pain-In-The-Rear.”

 

“Ur gonna make me cry”

 

“WHres John im so sick of this”

 

Suddenly, John blasts in therough the door.

 

“Golly gee sorry im late i had to beat up THomas.”

 

“Nice.”

 

“Did u bruise his face and also his ego.”

 

“You know it bab.”

 

“Aight well u too jsut have fun by yourselves and dont bother me kkk” eliza stated rather than asked. GIrl had seen enough to know where questions would go with them.

 

Suddenly I blasted in through the door.

 

“THOMAS??” john shouted.

 

“WHAT??” alexd shouted.

 

“PENICILLIN??!??!!” i shouted.

 

“SHUT UP OR YOU’RE ALL FIRED GOODNESS GRACIOUS” shouted gwash.

 

There was no more shouting after that.

 

“Psst Thomer make me a coffee.” my other co-worker, peggy, who is easily forgotten asked.

 

“The audacity…” i replied.

 

WILL THOMAS MAKE PEGGY COFFEE??????????

 

TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,,


	6. TEAM BUILDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to Daddy Panini who doesn't even purify their butter before eating it tf

“Honesdtly Preggy you-”

 

“DID YOU JUST CALL ME PREGGY”

 

“OH MY GOOSHSHHSH IM SORYF” I GA SPE D

 

THERE IS NOTHING WORSE TO ACCIDENTALLY CALL A WOMAN THAN PREGGY GOLLY GEE ESPECIALLY IF THEYRE A BIT PUDGY LIKE PEGS OVER HERE IS.

 

Author note: I legit cant remember if it’s spelled “accidentally” or “accidently” and my computer wont correct either one this fic is ruining my life.

 

“YOU CALLED ME,,, PREGGY”

 

“IT WAS A SLIP OF THE TONGUE I SWEAR”

 

I ran like the wind haHHAHAHA GET IT THE WIbecause I aint some corn spewing denture cream detergent with a snoot filled with honey bees and i KNOW im dead.

 

“GET BACK HERE AND REPENT FOR YOUR SINS”

 

“I SAID IM SORRY WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME PIGGY- O H M Y [EXPLETIVE]”

 

That was the first time i ever said [EXPLETIVE] in my whole pure and untainted life. She is tainting me. And my memories of this momentous milestone of life. Peggy will be the undoing of my soul. My life in hell starts with her. With my mistakes. With m

 

\---

 

MEANWHILE…

 

“Is it done yet, Penicillin?” a man clothed in business casual asked from behind a stack of paperwork.

 

“Yes, Mr. Madison.”

 

“Excellent.” he flipped the page in his book, A Tale of Two Cities. “Bring the suit to me at once.”

 

“Yes, sir.” he lingered in the doorway, hesitant.

 

“Is something troubling you?”

 

“I-it’s just that,,”

 

“Just what?” he looked up to stare John right in the eyes.

 

“Alex… won’t like this.” he lowered his head in shame. “I… I don’t want to lose him…”

 

James nodded, understanding. “Don’t forget that you can leave anytime. You’ll be watched constantly, but you may leave.”

 

“I-I don’t-”

 

Just then, Angelica burst through the doors.

 

“We’ve got a hostage, sir. What should we do with him?”

 

“Who is he?”

 

“The senator.”

 

\---

 

The clock ticked ominously and in a way that fortelling bad things in the background. I sweeted as i watched Pain-In-The-Butt slide his gamepiece to land on Boardwalk. That was the best propetrty. If he boughts it im screwed.

 

“Im gonna buy it!” he sneered, giving John [DANG PENICILLIN WTHECK HE DOIN HERE????] another kiss.

 

Iyt was his stupid tradition. He says ‘a kiss for good luck uwu” but it’s so annoying. Not because im romantically frustrated at the moment bc that guy who is handsome is also a villain and therefore not my type and i am playing hard to get so im not thw one who neds to chill out h

“OH MY GOSH. GOLLY FRICCIN GEE. CANT YOU JUST,,, SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST OR SMTH” i glared at penicillin like hillary glared at trump throughout the whole fdebate last night bc i KNOW he got fire powers and could do the job if only he would smh

 

“Hed be really hot if he were on fire” i whispered.

 

“Hed be DEAD.” john replied whisperingly.

 

“But i bet youve never,, done the do, with someone who is burning on fire?’’ his resolve is merciless but im sure it will crack soon gET IT CAUSE ITS A CRACK FIC HAHA IT’S FU

 

“Hed… be… dEA D”

 

“Necrophilia is a thing so whaddaya say?”

 

He leFT.

 

rude.

 

“What were u talkin about” Alex sticks his stanky-hanky nose in where it isn’t wanted.

 

“None of ur beeswax.”

 

“fair.”

 

So our game resumed.

 

“At least you dont have hotels up.”

 

“Im buying hotals now tho” he said, putting $2000 in the bank.

 

“No you aint” I began to conjure a thunderstorm, then rolled the dice.

 

“Golly gee, looky!” I landed on free parking and got $500!! “Now, sicne i got doubles i get to roll again,,,, owo i got chance!! Go to bOARDWALK?!?!?!?!”

 

“HHHHHA.” he guffawed (thats an ugly laugh u intellectual infereiors [i think anyway {curclicues!}]) “You gotta mortgage stuff!!”

 

I then did the one thing any self-respecting citizen would do. I zapped him with LIGHTNING.

 

“I’LL MORTGAGE YOU” i zapped him again and again, relishing in his screams and mustarding in the monopoly money i stole. “EXCEPT ID ONLY GET $10”

 

“YEAH WELL YOURE ONLY WORTH $2”

 

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK” I flippde the board and aimed all the lightning i could at him, ketchuping in the euphroia.

 

WHOOSH.

 

He moved??? Out of the way????? In time??????????

 

“GASPING” he gapsed. “I HAVE SUPER SPEED!!”

 

thats why johnny boi is alwasy so dissatisfied with u. always so agnery at u. because ur,, too qucik. The,n I made it rain hA GET IT HAHA IM SO FUNNY TODAand ofc he couldnt ouitrun that!!

 

“Ha ha if ur name was Ke$ha-fied it would be Lo$er”

 

“I won the game tho”

 

“Right right and then your name would actually be worth something which we both knwo is never gonna happen lolz”

 

“Psh i dont need this,, Imma go fight crime”

 

“NO THATS MY JOB, AS DR THUNDER which is a secret btw I MUST BE THE ONE TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE”

 

The couch ripped open as Herc climbed out of it.

 

[TWO MEN SCREAMING]

 

“You could fight crime togerher.”

 

[SCREAMING LOUDER]

 

\---

 

So, we finally decided to team up. Only because then i can constantly be there to witness his failures and then swopp in and save the day!! Not win the ladies tho im gay. He is still not allowed to win the ladies hearts bc then hed think he wins. Just cause he beat me at monopolyu ONCE doesnt even mean he is good at all.

 

“Ok what is ur superhero name (mine is dr thunder btw)”

 

“Mickey D’s ofc (and i know)”

 

“Theck hamils u cant just steal mcdonald’s nickname that is sacred”

 

“Right sorry”

 

“U better be”

 

“Ok ill be,,, um,,,,, Captain Torpedo?”

 

“Thats the dumbest thing i have ever heard. U should be Onslaught of the Furries.”

 

“YTats not even a name.” he put on the thinkin face which is gonna get him sued cause its copyright of leonardo di caprio or rinaldo or whoever thek carved the Thinker statue. “How about Mountain Lion?”

 

“Ew no then we’d bothe be off-brand sodas and i dont wannt to be associated with you in any way shape or form.”

 

[TWO MEN DOIN THE THINK FOR FIVE MINUTES]

 

“Oh ive got it!” i shoute.

 

“Me dos!!!” dos is espangol for two u uncultrated.jpg

 

“C SQUARED” we said at the sME TIME which was p creepy tbh.

 

Herc spoke up. “Y tho”

 

“Bc c in the equation E=mc[squared] stanfds for the speed of light and he am the speed.”

 

“Well said dr thunder”

 

“Um i think he should be Speedo instead.” herc held up a box “I even made a costume that would work for that.”

 

“is it a speedo”

 

“bench it might be”

 

“Gesundheit it is”

 

“Tf”

 

“Gesundheit”

 

\---

 

So there we were, having an official meeting in a Mickey D’s kitchen, three pogo sticks behind us. We were discusing what crime would probbaly turn up first.

 

“Probably a big mac theif.” Gesundheit [what does that even mean like is it the speed of germ or smth] suggested.

 

“Who would steal a big mac” Herc asked.

 

“I would.” they lookin at me like im shawty hittin the flo’ “nOT OFC BECAUSE THAT S A VILLAIN THING TO FO OFC”

 

“SHUT UP DO U WNAT THE WIAT STAFF TO NOTICE US AND KICK US OUT”

 

“MCDONALDS HAS NO WAIT STUFF”

 

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO” Herc handed alex a big ol’ box. “Anywya here si ur cosutme.”

 

“Is it bootylicious”

 

“Im hetero”

 

“But is it”

 

“If i say yes will you shut up”

 

“He doesnt shut up, thats kinda his thing. Annoy the enemy into submission!” i said with fanfare.

 

“Put tha trumpt away idiota”

 

“Without me? Lol.”

 

“Alex shut up”

 

\---

 

A young man with cherry red chubby cheeks watched the three strangers in curiousity.

 

“What are you three doing?”

 

They froze. The large one with the afro screamed.

 

“ITS THE FUZZ”

 

“HES NOT A POLICE YOU NINCOMPOOP” shouted the smaller man.

 

A man in a beanie was ditching them.

 

“Can i join you?”

 

“Do u have a superpwoer”

 

The newcomer shrugged, then lifted the oven with one finger. The others’ jaws dropped.

 

“Alright! Youre in! Your superhero name is Calcium bc ur bones are mad strong.” said afro. “Im dr thunder.”

 

“Im gesundheit”

 

“Im Jon??? But ok I’ll be Calcium as a superhero.” excitement shown in his eyes.

 

WILL THE THREE HEROES BE CAUGHT BY THE MCDONALDS MANAGER?????

 

TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,


	7. Royal Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, teaming up isnt that great. Oh well, it'll work!! My computer is acting funky so I'm slow on updates now great ,, you'll enjoy this tho. even if it kills you. even if it kills you.

 

We actually sneaked out the back upon realizing Herc ~~abandoned~~  left us behind in a friendly way. SO the manager didnt catch us!!

 

“Aight guys and gals if ur gonna be on my superhero team then you needa know a few important things.” I said with my newfound authORITY.

 

“Oh u mean 1) who the f(udgecicles) put u in charge and 2) there are literally no gals here??????”

 

“I dont need to hear that from someone who chose Gesundheit as their superhero name”

 

“Not true”

 

“What are the things we need to know, Dr. Thunder?” said the new kid Jonny Bonny.

 

“Thnks. Number one!!! You must know how to purify butter. If we ever need to make something to eat that requires butter in anY way then i aint gonna put nasty devil butter in my mouith are we cvlear?”

 

“No we’re opaque”

 

“Ha ha. I saw that show too. Grow up, gESUNDHEIT” 

 

“I am more /grown/ than u if your pickin up what im layin down” he wI N K.

 

I took a deep cleansing breath. 

 

“If u want anything deep just ask-”

 

“sHADDUP”

 

“My goodness! Is it always like this with you two? I-if u dont mind me asking..” Calcium put in.

 

“Ofc because i hate him and he succs lettece.” i put out. “aNYWAYYYYY!!! Number 2!! Numero Dos,, Nombre deux,,,, N-”

 

“sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” alex hissed loudly.

 

“Yeah so number 2. You gotta make pure ice. Not that ratchety foggy stuff everyone always got on hand. I want my ice to be clearer than Washbasin’s decision-making skillz. I will accept nothing less. Are we clear? dONT SAY UR OPAQUE OR I WILL DUMP FOGGY ICE DOWN YOUR PANTS”

 

“Without me? Lol”

 

I narrowed my super-eyes. 

 

“Um… who’s Washbasin?” Jon raised his hand.

 

“Thats number 3. You will accept my superior nicknaming skillz without question. Are we- uhh,, i mean,, understand?”

 

“Crystal clear.” Alex said reALLY DESERVING A SMACK RN TBH LOL SMH TBT LMAO ROFL-

 

\---

 

“Lafayette?” James called. “Where did this man come from?”

 

A man dressed in a long velvet cape and a full red suit stood before him. An arrogant glint in his eyes was this fellow’s weapon in the fight for mental dominance. With a quick brush of his hands there was not a single piece of his outfit that was left unstraightened besides his deceptively charismatic smirk. He stepped forward intimidatingly.

 

“I thought you could use some assistance?” His voice hitched at the end, indicative of a question.

 

It was clearly not a question. James stepped forward as well. He had done too much to be played with by this royal wanna-be.

 

“No.” he said, voice level.

 

Their eyes locked together intensely. The tension in the air was enough that even the hard-headed John had to excuse himself from the room. He would be happy he did if he could have seen the trespasser’s face at such a validating action. The way it seemed to split and his cold blue eye twitched and the creases unnaturally pressing and pulling at his features - it was enough to make Lafayette shiver. This man had foul had unpredictable intentions. 

 

“You are not welcome here.” James roughly punctuated each word with individual breaths.

 

The Royal Pain twitched slightly each time. Our villain did not allow his triumph to show, though it was there and warm inside him. A weakness had been found.

 

“I will be, once I have explained my terms.” he had to take a deep breath before and after his reply.

 

“Make it quick.” he gestured to Laf to go guard the prisoner.

 

This would be a long talk.

 

\---

 

I poured another heaping mound of Butter in the pot. They were gonna learn ifg it killed them. If it killed them.

 

“If it kilos you.”

 

“1) theck. 2) is this why u insisted on measuring the butter in kilos?” Alex Pain-In-The-Butt Hamilton asked.

 

“Ofc.” I grumbled, wondering how long i could stand this mandatory partnership. “Now watch as i amaze and astonish u with my butter purification skillz” I turend around and noticed Jon raisngin his hand again.

 

“Yes?”

 

“We dont need to call a preist do we?”

 

“Ofc not. What do u even think this is gO SH” I turned arounf and saw Alex lookin suspiciously ahappyu so i zapped him with lightning again.

 

“WWAAAA” he did his waluigi impression. nobody can say he never did anything important i guess.

 

“Gesundheit.” :D “Now thats it all bubbling we just gotta sift the wOR THLES S chunks out and then we have our pure,, sweet,,, fattty,,, b u t t e r, , ,,” bet paula deen is having a heart attack rn (or was it martha stewart idek)

 

“Now lets taste it!” 

 

*sipp butter sounds*

 

*oUTRAGE*

 

“ALEX DID U POISON MY [EXPLETIVE] BUTTER” 

 

“I wnat Daveed to poison my butter if ur pickin up what im layin down”

 

“Good golly GoS H are you ok mister jefferson?” Jon asekd (hes my fav sidekick by far tbh alex can go to a desert for years idec)

 

“Hey guiys which one of u friccin deadbeats stole my sour spray” Hercules came out of the wall with a crash.

 

[TWO GROWN MEN SCREAMING SOUNDS]

 

“Hi hercules! “ Jon siad.

 

“Hi jon. IT WAS YOU ALEX WASNT IT” herc pulled out a hUGE stun gun.

 

[TWO GROWN MEN SCREAMING LOUDER]

 

“IM NOT LOVIN IT” ALEXX SHOUTS

 

“WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT MCDONALDS”

 

[S C R EAM copyright Edvard Munch circaWheneverTheHeckHePaintedIt]

 

“H-How about we go to Burger King?” Jon suggested nervously, not sure if he likes his new friends. “T-then we can all maybe get along?”

 

“Smashing idea.”

 

[TWO MEN STILL SCREAMING]

 

“YALL HUSH UP”

 

:’O

 

\---

 

LATER, AT BURGER KING

 

“Yoooooo,, sweet idea man” herc announced correctly.

 

“U mean savory idea lolz cause its not even sugar.” alex announced incorrectly.

 

“Um, :) sweaty they put sugar in their patties.. Also pink slime :)” I replied kindly.

 

“I want Pippa to cover me with pink slime if ur pickin up what im layin down.”

 

“Stop it. Get some help.”

 

Without further ado[about nothing lolz lolz shakespear geT IT} we ordered our very super-heroic order. Jon acciedently brokw a table but everyope thought it was so WICKED FRESH that he actually got paid for the peices. Alex triefd it and Michael Jordan slapped him with a psychiology book. :)

 

“Lets eat lmao”

 

“Lmao”

 

“Lmao”

 

“Rolfmao”

 

“U just have to [EXPLETIVE] one-up everyone dont u Alex[ander]”

 

Herc burts otu laughing n i think im just funny but no he got his own joke.

 

“I SHOULDA MADE U A LUMBERJACK COSTUME,,,,” he guffawed. “SO U COULDA BEEN ALEXNDER FLANNELTON AYOOOO” ://

 

“://” we all said.

 

“>:O” he replied.

 

“:’’(“ us again.

 

The front door of the BK swung open and in storde a dude. I imeditaley had an opinon of him. Tall. nice booty. mmm. Stupid grin on his face liek he thinks he is the actual irl real life burger king like cmon man no u aint shut the McHeck up. Get some help.

 

“Where is,,,” he glances at a cue card. “The Burger King?”

 

“HES AFTER SAINT BURGER” I S HOTU

 

“HOLY WHOPPER W/O CHEESE!!! ! ! WE GOTTA !! ! STOP HIM!! !” Alex shouts unhelpfully.

 

We all collectibely and togerther and all at once tACKLE the McStuffing out of this turd. I put ketcheup in his face. Jon punched him but lightly so he doesnt hurt him much. Herc took out his stun guin and i took out my police baton he gave me.

 

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE” An Police sHOTUs.

 

“do not worrles officer for we have this taken vare of.”

 

“That is… it’s our missing baton!!!” he points at my baton.

 

Well, this sucks.

 

“No… i dont have it…” i shoved it into thwe Royal Pain’s hands bc of my clever plan i thought of with the cleverneess of a clever animal. “He DOes”

 

“GOODNESSS ME” he faned himseld. I got terrifdying old lady flashbacks.

 

I saw her sitting down two tables away from me and gave her the “im watchin u” hands. She set her burger down. Yeah thats what i thought, evildoer.

 

Then suddenly Peniccillin arrived. 

 

“My hero!!” alex fanned himself. I narrowed my eyes at the old lady again.

 

“FORGET HIM, GET ON THE POGO STICKS VAUSE WE GOTTA HOP ON OUTTA HERE”

 

“Herc calm down.”

 

Then, John shot a quick “im sorry” to Alex. He lifted his hands and the room filled with smoke.

 

WILL THEY EVER BE ABLE TO MAKE CLEAR ICE? ? ? ?? ?? 

  
TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The recipe for purified butter in this totally works so feel free to try it i was vERY CLEAR on the insTRUCTIONS HA not really


	8. [INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idek my dudes. they do some stuff and thomas gets fed up with alex. enjoy or perish. Want to support your local Communist Manifesto? Donate $3 trillion at: IwillEnslaveAllHumans.org!!

“Good golly gosh!” Jon shOUTE D. “I can’t see through all this goshdarned smoke!!”

“Rly well thx for the observation u friccin genius.” i asserted my dominance as Most Unhappy.

“I’m alright in bed but I’m better with a pen.” Alex quoted FOB without even being relevant to the situation and yeT AG IAN alluding to his love of the undercover couple twister.

[super LOUD BLOWING sou dns from a BLOWER]

The fog started to clear. “The fog is starting to clear!” i said ofc i wasnt gonna let anyone else have the honor.

Alex sneezed.

“Gesundheit lmAOOOOOOOOO” Herc shouted out of nowhere, clearly he was growing too comfortable around us if he was gonna be like that all the time smh.

Standing there in a unfamiliar room???? We were???????? Lol im yoda from star trek! Anywho, we had no Clue (Cluedo in England lmaoooooo) how we evE N got there. :/ Oh well. 

“Look, gang!” Jon pointde at a pedestale in the middle of hte room. “There is a pedestal with a box on it!”

We looked. We got mad. Pointing is friccin rude Jon aint Yo MommaTM ever tell you that smh and i was starting to like the guy too smh (or girl or alien or rock i dont judge unless you identify as Alexander Hamilton then i kinda hate you with all my heartr and soul)

“Let’s open the box.” I suggest.

“Imma open the Box.” Alex says.

Frickin moron. Has he never seen the movies? There will deifinetly be a trap. He will probably die (cross ur fingers) so ofc I’m gona let him open the box for us. See if i care when he gets laserwed in the head (theres a vine for that). I will care. I wont be upset but ill care. 

He does a Whoosh ovr to the box like a nincompoop like cmon nobody wants to open the box but you cause ur the only one who hasnt seen any decent movies ypu complet

BANG 

{Alex: Exeunt}

“Oh, poopsy.” Jon gaspeds and lookd away.

“Ah, well, it was probably for the best.” i said that.

{Alex: Enter, stage Left}

“Dagnabbit.” 

“Hey yous guys whats shakin i ran from the explostion so i wouldnt die lmao are you happy to see me.”

“I knew I shouldn’t’ve written your lines in.” I knew I shouldn’t’ve written his lines in. I’m just gonna write a nice blank spot where he’d normaley say stufdf now ok cause I’m So Done.

“[CONTENT NOT AVAILABLE]”

“Shut up Alex.”

“[CONTENT NOT AVAILABLE[“

“Wow really that was what was in the box?” quoth the great Doctor Thunder.

“Can I have it?” Herc said, suddenly v hapy.

“[CONTENT NOT AVAILABLE]”

“Alex is right, Herc, we never should have opened the box.” Jon said. “This thing… well, you probaly shouldnt touch it.”

Lets go guys! 

No response?? Oh right i gotta actually say it and not just htink it dangflabbit wheres a mind reader (preferably with a nice booty) when u to lazy too oprn ur mouth.

“Guyus i wannt to move on now so lets moe on now and move on k thx” :)

\---

“Theyre terriblre at what they do, are you sure they are even fully-intelligible?”

“No, Im not sure actually.” James Madsion {OH NOS U KNOW WHO IT IS NOW YIPERS]

“Hey thats my bf 5ever youre talkin about, francey-pants.” joHn says.

“John, can you go down there and shoo them off?” 

“Did u just call moi francey-pants” 

[IGNORING LAFAYETTE SOUNDS]

“You got it boss man”

“Did u just call me boss man”

\---

So you knwo those parts where theres scenes im not in like the one right before htis one well im not there so i dont know what hapens then. its a fmystery. you are really smart if you had notice that btw but unfortuanly for you theres no prize for being educated except crushing debt nad a dimished sense of self-confivdence. Tahts just how the world (America is the whole world) mi amigo. 

“Hey y’al why have we just ben stanging here for like ten minutes doing nothing? Not to complain or anythinmg” i asked bc theck.

“We were waiting for the scene to be on us again smh yiu shoulf kno this.” 

“I thought i erased u from the narrative, alex”

“Cant a guy write his own narrative.” he reply. “U stupid toad.”

“That was??/ uncalled for??????”

“Guys can we maybe not be mean to each other when we have a mission to accomplish” jon put in like he thinks its really that simple.

“Whats our mission anyway” alex asked. 

“We’re infiltrating their base u squirerly nutflick” i said sO ANNOYEWD.

“But?? We didnt come here on purpose???”

“Gesundheit is right” herc laugherd

“Can i change my superhero name”

“Its too late”

“Ok”

Suddenly a loud KABAM was heard from the orher side of the wall in the room !! :O !! We all cautiuosly got reafy with our POWERS and   
we also were READY to RUMBLE with whatever was gonna vome through that door. Not that we know what it is. You never know what is gonna come through that door. 

The door cRAHSED doen and it was pENICILLIN :O I did not know that would hapen. I wasnt in the other scene, remember? -F-O-R-E-S-H-A-D-O-W-I-N-G-

“Aight get lost thx for coming dont let the door hit where the good lord split ya” he said

“But john ur an atheist”

“O am i?” “aND IM PENICILLIN!!!! NOT!! JOHN!!!!!!!!”

“o nice im stuck with gesundheit”

“Someone sneezin?”

“I’ll block him out of the narrative for you so we can focus on OUR bATLTEE”

“dONT U DA[CONTENT NOT AVAILABLE]”

“Much better”

“Ofc”

tHEN WE BATTLED!!!!! WITH FIRE!!!!!!!!AND SROTM POWERS!!!!!!! Herc abandoned us again :( but Calcium helped!!! But he didnt actually hit Peniciilin bc he didnt wanna hurt him :’) that boi,,,  
So sweet,,,,,, like smth ur mom would say not to eat but then u eat it anyway and its So Good but u hit a suger rush and ur mom cant keep up and then the sugar crash and fall into a sugar coma for three days. im not speaking from experienve i am a good boi.

“Just leave ok”

“Why were we summond if we’re supposed to leave tho” me tho.

“[CONTENT NOT AVAILABLE]”

“OOOOOOOH BURN!!!!f!!!” herc’s ooooohing was muffled by the walls. he is in there.

“but we didnt summon u u friccin turds”

“rude” 

THE WAL WA SRIPPED OFF BY THE STORM I AMDE THAT IS STILL ON THE RAMPAGE AND HERC SCREAMED BC HE WAS IN THERE

[EVERYONE SCREAMING] 

[WOMAN FLYING IN BUILDING SOUNDS]

“I summonde u nerds bc someone needs to stop james madison”

“Wel ill be darned its Margarita”

“I love me some margaritas tho”

(i said both those things btw)

“Dr thunder u piece of [EXPLETIVE]”

She remembers that i ditched her o no

“GOTTA DASH” and i was GONE.

[EVERYONE ELSE STILL SCREAMING]

Oh and i decided to name the storm !!! it is !! #NotALLstorms!! !! ! im so good at nameing

#NotALLstorms literally liFTED me anD Margarita out of the Building and IntO thE SkY. The sun was setting and ShOne beautifuly on her face. It ws all v v romantic.

“The earth is flat u ignorant cerfuddle” said tHE GREAT DOCTOR THUNDER

Much better.

“Wait what- nvm i dont wanna know”

“So the brain-washing has been successful. NASA will be pleased”

“Can u pay attention for one second”

“Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why I Cannot Pay Attention. #3 Will Surprise You.”

“I’m Peggy from ur work and the mayor was kidnapped by the mind-reading James Madison. Only u can save gthe mayor so buck up and lets go.”

“Well i guess the mayor is friccin screwded then since u too lazy to get up off ur superior-storm-powers butt and save him u lazy Round-Earther”

WILL THOMAS (dat me) STOP BEING SASSY LONG ENOUGH TO SAVE THE WORLD?????

TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,


	9. what chapter even is this idek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings!!: Non-con, Major CHaracter death, graphic depictions of violence, rude humor.
> 
> Pls sign the petition on change.org that is gonna change the fire ants to spicy boys it would mean a lot for the world and be the best way to end 2016 and also our lives thanks u #blessthehurting

I wanted Peggy to let go of my hand.

 

“Peggy i want u to let go of my hand.” i said (i did say that, there is a witness if you need proof).

 

“Not until u admit that the earth is round”

 

“i did not consent to this”

 

“Tough beans”

 

“Isnt it cool beans tho” what an idiot smh.

 

“Thanks.” ,’:( “Now we need to go, whether ur gonna admit to ur fallacy or not.”

 

“Is fallacy a seasoning”

 

She didnt answer me :’’’(

 

“Ok well where are we going”

 

“To??? Save???? The mayor??????????”

 

“Mkay mrs smarty-pants” ooh that shouldve been her superhero(villain) name instead of friccin margerita ilke what even. “but where is they” keep it gender-neutrla chittlins.

 

“Down there” she points,, but you can’t see it :’( shoulda been there, pal.

 

“Oh ok so you mean literally right back where i was originally b5 (dat means mor than b4) u LIFTED me away - without my consent might i add - bc i mean,, u coulda just,, flown down there???????”

 

“Dont tell me how to do my job u [EXPLETIVE]” 

 

:0

 

\---

 

“Alex me boy me man me daddio-” laurens began. “I can explain !!”

 

“Wat u doin helpin the enemy???”

 

“He pays me”

 

“Radical” :// “thomas doesnt pay me but ta least he doesnt rty to hA RM his fR IEND S and LITTLE”

 

“u guys,, are in,, /that/ kind of relationsip???” herc said (as if he expected wany better of them).

 

Oh guys i know im not even here rn (bein kidnapped by the preggy- i meAN) and i cant hear anything but what herc just said )that i cant hear) ??reminds me?? Of a funny joke (pls hold ur applause). Mkay mkay knay,, so,, what do u call,,, two peeps,,,, who bond over their   
Mutaul love of Syrup Sipping??????????

 

 

 

FREAKS!!!!!! LMAOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

o u thought it was gonna be “a Sappy Relationsip”???? Well sheesh we’re not all comedians. check ur priveledge at the door, u cur.

 

anyway.

 

“Dont listen to him, baby dude, we are happy togrther even if some people dont like it”

 

“Daddio………” laurens Teared Up.

 

“baby man………………..” alex hUged him.

 

“GE T FR CICN REKT LMAOOOOOO” laurens suddenly slapped himself so hardf that a buxzfeed editor somewhere just made a post about the Top 10 Crack Betrayels with Laurens being all 11.

 

“AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY RIGHT BACK AT YA BABY MANGOOSE” alex slapepd himself too. :///

 

Sudenyl (copyright @me new prescription drug: Sudenyl, it magnifies your problems so much that it makes ur original problem seem like nothing. Side-effecgts include Dissatisfaction and a Lawsuit) i burst in through the ceiling (with Mrs Smarty-Pants i guess :///) and punched them both into the dirt.

 

“DRAMATIC ENTRY” I SHOUTWED (again, there were witnesses presetn if you need proof).

 

[[EVERYONE SCREAMING]]

 

“Iaght bros new mission we needfa find the mayor they is somehwer in this building the Alcohol WOman told me”

 

“U mean Margarita??????” 

 

“there u go again see this is why i call u Mrs Smarty-Pants in my narratice”

 

“Aight well we should get while the gettins good” idk who said that i wasnt listening.

 

what, u expect me to pay attention to like ,, many different people??? thats a violation of my rights. sweaty :))).

 

So we rUSHE D off to find the Mayor!!

 

\---

 

We soon arrived.

 

… to the conclusion that we didnt know where we were going.

 

Lmao neato joke amirite pLEASE I AM A SIMPLE WRITER I NEED REASSURANCE :’’’’’’O

 

[[MARGARITA SHOUTING EXPLETIVES]]

 

“nice”

 

“Where fdid Slow joe crow get off to”

 

“What alex”

 

“Yknow,, Magnesium??? Hes not here”

 

????”????” i ???ed.

 

“,,, Sodium??? Its that milk thing”  
“oH CALCIUM??!!!” :O “Where is he????????”  
“Idk man but i think he may have gone throught this vent which has clearly been torn off teh wall by someone with Super Strenght but i mean it could mean anything” herc siad.  
Idek if he bein sarcastic anymore. and im a smartt person. my iq is an impressive 45.   
“Lets check anyway bc i mean,,”  
Are u uncomfortable, , readers????? with the non-consensual closeness of these lines??????? would u like,, more space????? Fine u needy confounded Borions.

 

“Lettuce climb through the vent,” i says.

 

“Haha” says pegs

 

“Haha” said alexardo

 

“Haha” said u (lmao look ur in the story!! Ur famous!!! Everyone knows u!!!!!! Ur in a fanfic!!!)

 

“Who the {caramel expletive} said that” i said (Laughing My Acetomeniphon Off i pretended not to 

 

know u)

 

“Please stop double spacing in between the lines mwah ily” u said.

 

“Someone make that fricker shut up its freaking me out” me again (u were a witness so u know i 

 

said it)

 

“Fear not, darling, I will save you!” <3 (my oc they’rs ur preferred gender and theyare exactly ur type) said.

 

 

<3 slapped me 

 

“Have at thee, vile knave!” they slapped me agIAN “Dost thou not knowest the importance of------”

 

{at this point they are releasing Smooth Jazz Doves from the heavens and the wind is blowing ur hair beautifully (if ur bald then its moving ur brows [if u have no eyebrows either then idk what to tell ya :(])}

 

“Sheesh sorry” i says, sobbingly.

 

“Are you okay, my sweet?” <3 aks u.

 

“No…. my love…… it’s .. too late…..” u whisper as ur soul departs from ur body.

 

<3 holds u in their arms, brushing ur hair out of ur face soflty.

 

“I’m sorry, dearest, I could not save you from the Format.” <3 changes their name to 3.

 

[3 Exuent, weeping on a chaise lounge]

 

“Why is it the beautiful ones die so uoung” alex weeps.

 

“Shut up Gesundhiet” I said that, i know it was hard tro hear since u died but u get it.

 

We leave as ur soul ascends to Flavortown.

 

\---

 

[[BLEAST]]

 

\---

 

I was so disappointed when we got to the mayor’s cell bc the door was already broken down and the bars were bent. I wanted to do that. Can’t I have anything in life

 

“Looks like Xantham Gum already freed the mayor.”

 

“It’s Calcium, Alex.”

 

We both sneexed and some people with sneeze fetishes showed up and took pictures, making whispered commentary. ,’:(

 

I glanced out the window in time to see Calcium carrying the Mayor (that,, Burr fellow) bridle style down the strreet. Burr was wearing a frilly dress fsr. I dont judge.

 

“ANOTHER DAY SAVED THANKS TO DR THUNDER”

 

WILL WE CATCH THE VILLAIN???? WILL THE SNEEZE FETISH PEOPLE LEAVE?????? WILL U EVER FIND LOVE??????????????? 

 

TO BE CONTINUES,,,,,,,,,


	10. He Back My Dudes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who forgot the plotline !! ME

"Thomas-"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Stop spinning your fidgety dpinner one moment and?? Write the next chapter???"

"Alex shut up our I'm deleting you from the story again. I need to commemorate on this,,,,,,," Dr Thunder have his beautiful Captain America Sheila Shaped Spinner another Spin

"Do,,, you mean concentrate?????"

He's so annoying. Didn't even think of conflagrsting is important??? If he doesn't commutate on the sinner it Stops Spinning??? Everyone knows that

"Dr Thunder..." whispered Not All Storms.

"sggazfhhhshhhh SSH BY" eloquence is key to all successful parenting communicating s.

"The Mayor Is Dead" the storm continued "daddy, you let him Die"

What just because I'm a superhero means I gotta drop everything to save some dudes life??? Not my style. My style is more like that extra drop of Guacamole on your Tesco when you asked for Two. 

"Your style is offbrand fabric squares you stole from a Wal-Mart" akex said, getting on all 09000 nerves

"At least I'm not the one who wears Matching Socks you normie smh"

And the


End file.
